Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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