Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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