Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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