Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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