I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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