that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
