Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
