Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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