I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
