he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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