I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
