Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
