I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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