Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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