I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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