The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
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Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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