i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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