after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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