I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
