drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
