I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
