dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
