Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
