I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
