take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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