He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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