I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
