i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
