just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
