I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
