Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
