I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
