I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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