she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
