she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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