I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
