Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
