At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
