My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
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No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
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Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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