Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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