YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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