Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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