i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
where are my eyebrows?
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