I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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