sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I want to walk on stilts...naked
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
