WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You smell like stripper and shame
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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