You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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