There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
