you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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