It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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