I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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