I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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