Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
