I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
