There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You pole danced in your parka.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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