they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
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Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Never underestimate the power of titties
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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