Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
